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I RUN LA!

26 Aug

I have been watching a lot of mindless television on my iPhone via iTunes lately. I watched the entire Bad Girls Season 4 episodes yesterday and now have the overwhelming urge to greet everyone I see as BITCH! and BITCHES! because that is what seems to be the new thing. However, I do not think this would go over very well in church so I may need to evaluate what it is I’m viewing. The upside is I learned a lot of new dance moves and know exactly how to bitch slap a bitch when they spill my drink on me on the dance floor.

There I go again. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch.

Bad Girls Club Season 4

The Husband isn’t exactly fond of my watching such terrible reality  TV, on my iPhone no less. The whole point of getting rid of cable and the television out of the living room was to expand our minds to more intelligent brain enhancement. The thing is reality TV is a guilty pleasure of mine. It’s like watching a train wreck. You cringe, you feel nauseous (sometimes you indeed throw up) you shake your head, you may even cry, but YOU HAVE TO WATCH. It’s addictive and O.M.G so freaking therapeutic. (Don’t ask me why. I haven’t gotten that far in my own therapy yet to understand.)

I told The Husband watching BGC is equivalent to reading a parenting book. Watching is actually helping me be a better parent. If anything, I know how to rear our girls in such a way that I’ll never have to worry about them being on such a show like Bad Girls Club.

Great point, right?

I thought so. Until he said, “Yeah, if that fails, at least they’ll know how to BITCH! slap a bitch when they spill their drink on them on the dance floor.”

Yeah, well, that too. Killjoy.

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Holy Schmoly Pap Smear! She Was One Too!

30 May

I’m at a table with a group of bloggers. We are trying to talk, but there is a concert going on in the room and the music is loud. We are literally screaming at one another. Tired of screaming, I find myself  zoning out, mainly because I can’t hear and also I’ve ran out of things to talk about.

I know, right? Me…running out of things to talk about? Crazy, isn’t it? But it does happen.

I feel a tug on my arm and a squeal. It’s Lizzie. “JAIME! YOU MUST MEET THIS WOMAN!” I turn around and there is this tiny woman who looks at me and says shouts: “I’m Jessica. I hear we’re alike. Are you Jewish too?”

“No, she’s not Jewish,” says shouts Lizzie, “But you have a lot of common! Tell her Jaime!”

What do you say with that kind of intro? Before I can say anything, the woman, named Jessica says, “Sleep with random men back in the day? This is not apppropriate with Mormon ladies, but bear with me-  I was telling someone a story and I used the example of ‘You know how you feel when you’ve had the one night stand and the next day you were like why did I do that? And she’s all, No, I don’t know. I don’t know anything about that.’ I’m thinking Wow. Tough crowd.’ ”

We bust out laughing and Lizzie- God Bless Her, says “Jaime too! She wrote a book about it. Tell her Jaime.”

Not sure what to say shout. So I say, shout ” HEY, Yeah, Fellow Blogger, Stranger, I was a slut too! Nice to meet you!”

Yes, we  former sluts, must stick together. I’m totally thinking of creating T-shirts that say, “Former Slut With a Nice Butt” or “Whore No More.”

I think I will sell a lot. Maybe even throw in a “Team Jaime Kay” t-shirt just for kicks.

Yes, Ma’am I Do Believe I Can Fly

18 May

I’m leaving for Utah next week to attend the Casual Blogger’s Conference in Utah. I will be speaking on a panel about my struggles with depression, plus I’ll be teaching a class about product reviews on blogs. I’m super excited because this will be the first time I’ll be traveling first class and my first trip to Utah.

I know on this trip I will be busy.  I will be promoting my book, public speaking, and trying to cram as much shopping in as humanly possible… but I can’t help but think this one thought: I WILL BE OUT OF ALASKA. It’s been five years since I left the state and that was for a funeral. (Actually, the four times I’ve left the state, two of those trips were for a funeral and the other two were quick two day trips.) So yes, if you see me jumping around, smiling for no reason, and possibly twitching here and there, know it is for one reason only:  I’M LEAVING ALASKA.

My friend Molly* is going with me. She has our entire trip typed neatly on a spreadsheet. This is good for three reasons: 1) I go with the flow and I know I’ll probably miss out or forget something  2) I don’t know how to create a spreadsheet. 3) I’m not good with directions so can you imagine the horror I would endure if I had to drive from Salt Lake City to Sandy for the conference? You may never see me again.

While I’m in Utah I plan on shopping for evening gowns and cocktail dresses that are modest, yet sexy…for next year’s pageant. I want to prove that women can still be sexy and modest at the same time.  (It is UTAH, after all. It can’t be that hard to find a modest evening gown that is sexy, in style, and won’t make me look like a pear.)

I had to borrow my outfits for last Saturday’s pageant. Since I wasn’t competing, I didn’t stress about finding the ‘perfect’ dress, but thanks to my friend ‘Betty Boop’* I was able to look smoking hot in this two piece evening assemble:

I’m the one in front, in case you’re confused… the one wearing the sash, which came in handy since my girls**Olga and Helga were feeling very big that night and the sash kept them for getting too carried away by the spotlight. (They like attention.)

This site is still getting her makeup on and will be looking pretty in no time. Until then…subscribe to my posts and tell your friends! You momma! Your daddy! And whoever else you can bribe that has a thing for reading silly rambles.

*Changed their names. I actually call them these names in my mind though.

** Yes, I named my boobs. Shut-Up.